Season 2 of the Sparkle Photo Series
"I started taking anti-depressants and anxiety medication when I was 14 years old. They have always helped me stay in control of my emotions so I could handle my day-to-day business. On May 22nd 2015, at 21 years old, my world as I knew came crashing down around me. I lost the person I love most in this world, my mom, due to the justice system. My world was surrounded by lies and manipulation. Living at home became a reminder of the constant loss I experienced. I felt as if everything was taken away from me and my life was open for the world to see. That August, I moved to Fort Worth to attend Brite Divinity School. Moving to a new place was extremely difficult. Not only did I move to a new place, but also, I was living with a complete stranger. After having to go through a brutal trial, losing my mom, having to learn how to live without her, and moving in with a complete stranger, I developed a depression that I have never experienced. I have never been angry but for the first time in my life, anger was all I could feel. I would walk around ready to explode at any moment, cried a majority of the day, and I was not able to sleep. I have never been in such a dark place in life. Many times I felt as if I could not live my life without my mom being there. I was already taking one anti-depression and anxiety prescription so I was worried there was nothing else I could do. I felt so alone due to the fact that I kept all my emotions to myself and afraid of when my new friends would think. After a few months, I developed friends that I knew could handle the support I so desperately needed. After telling them, I became a little less stressed but I still could not get a hold of my anger and crying spells. They convinced me to go see a doctor because I had nothing to lose by asking for help. I took their advice and the doctor prescribed me an additional anti-depression and anxiety prescription, plus something that would help with the insomnia. A few weeks went by and the anger was under control, the sleeping, not so much. In January, I took a weeklong class for my graduate degree, each night I only slept about 2-4 hours. When the spring semester officially started, I broke down crying about not being able to sleep so my friend took me to the doctor. Ever since the end of January, I have been able to sleep thanks to finally finding the medicine my mental health needed. In February, I was able to move out of my apartment and move into a new place to call my own. Ever since then, it’s been about maintaining my health and excelling in grad school. Towards the end of September and the beginning of October, I have been able to sleep on my own without the help of insomnia medication. I’m still on the other two anti-depression and anxiety prescription and feel no shame in it. Because of admitting that I need help, I feel like I can finally take on the world and be successful. I still have bad days, but they have started to become less and less common. Dealing with a loved one in prison is one of the hardest things to live with. I could not survive without the help of my medicine, family, and friends. I hope through my struggle, I can shed light on the world of incarcerated families and the silenced pain we deal with every day. Sparkle Mental Health Connection is such an important tool for people to use. As a minister, people assume that we are "perfect" and there's no way anything can be wrong. We are held to such a high standard that's almost impossible to achieve. By joining with Sparkle Mental Health Connection, I hope to shed light on the mental health of clergy and within the church. I'm so grateful that this organization has entered my life. If my story can help one person, then Sparkle has done its job. "
" I imagine when people meet me for the first time, most think of me as being reserved, quiet, and maybe even somewhat aloof. While that may be true, it’s much more than shyness or introversion. For many years I’ve dealt with social anxiety, which is basically the fear of interacting with other people in certain situations. Many of the tasks that people find normal in their day-to-day lives, such as meeting someone new, talking on the phone, going to a meeting/interview, speaking to a group of people, even going to the doctor for a checkup, have the potential to trigger my anxiety like no other. I can’t even recall how many times I’ve avoided people, places, and situations because they would give me heart palpitations, leave my hands cold and clammy, my stomach full of knots and my head spinning. What causes this exactly? It’s an involuntary “fight or flight” response that I believe to be the result of fear – the fear of being judged, watched, singled out, embarrassed, or scrutinized. It’s easy to say “there’s a solution to that – just don’t care what other people think of you.” But I don’t have much of a choice. It’s almost like my brain can’t decipher between threatening and non-threatening situations and people. I know how irrational it sounds. That’s why it’s a disorder, because it doesn’t define who I am. I love people. I love my family and friends. I love to laugh and make others laugh.
Social anxiety doesn’t always equate to having no friends; for me, building genuine friendships can be difficult and take some time, but I’m lucky to have many people in my life who care about me and accept me for who I am.
Now, on to the next part of my story. Earlier this year, while attending school at OSU, I hit a rough patch. My anxiety, along with the stress of college and the fact that I was so far from home created the perfect storm – depression. It wasn’t the first time I’d experienced a low point but it was different this time around. Despite the fact that I was doing alright in school, I felt overwhelmed. I remember coming back from class one Friday and breaking down. I buried myself under the sheets and cried for a while. I texted my mom and told her I had to come home that weekend because I was struggling and didn’t know what to do. After that, I pretty much decided that I couldn’t continue living four hours from home while trying to keep up in school and take care of my mental health. I made it through that semester and moved back home, as much as I wanted to stay and finish my last year of college. Being home was great, but the fact that I didn’t have a job or anything that gave me a sense of purpose made the depression worse. There were so many days that I wouldn’t even leave the house or venture far from my bed. That was a new kind of low for me. Even though I had the support of my family, I had isolated myself from just about everything and everyone else. I felt like such a burden, as if I could disappear and hardly anyone would notice that I was gone. It’s a very hopeless and worthless feeling, one that’s hard to adequately describe to someone who has never experienced it. As much as I had tried to avoid meds, I went to the doctor to get a prescription. I finally admitted that I couldn’t fight this alone, and that was okay. What many don’t realize is that medications for depression/anxiety or any other kind of mental illness, while they may help, can also have serious side effects. I’m lucky to have only experienced fatigue, vivid dreams, and the occasional bout of insomnia with the meds I’m currently taking. I’ve read horror stories of people hallucinating or having suicidal thoughts, which is exactly what the meds should be working against instead of causing. It’s a physically and emotionally draining process to go through, experimenting with what helps depression/anxiety, what makes it worse, and having to adjust your lifestyle accordingly. Everyone is different, there’s not a “one size fits all” treatment plan. Nobody chooses to have a mental illness, but I believe it’s made me stronger and more self-aware. I wouldn’t trade the opportunity to help others for anything, and my story is what allows me to do that. Thank you, Sparkle, for giving me the platform to share what I’ve been through. I hope that some of you who are reading this can relate – if you do, always remember that it’s okay to ask for help or admit that something isn’t right. Seriously, even if you are too afraid to go see a counselor, tell someone that you trust. Don’t feel like you have to hold everything inside, because it will only make things worse. I’m also here for anyone who wants/needs to talk. Keep sparkling!"
Social anxiety doesn’t always equate to having no friends; for me, building genuine friendships can be difficult and take some time, but I’m lucky to have many people in my life who care about me and accept me for who I am.
Now, on to the next part of my story. Earlier this year, while attending school at OSU, I hit a rough patch. My anxiety, along with the stress of college and the fact that I was so far from home created the perfect storm – depression. It wasn’t the first time I’d experienced a low point but it was different this time around. Despite the fact that I was doing alright in school, I felt overwhelmed. I remember coming back from class one Friday and breaking down. I buried myself under the sheets and cried for a while. I texted my mom and told her I had to come home that weekend because I was struggling and didn’t know what to do. After that, I pretty much decided that I couldn’t continue living four hours from home while trying to keep up in school and take care of my mental health. I made it through that semester and moved back home, as much as I wanted to stay and finish my last year of college. Being home was great, but the fact that I didn’t have a job or anything that gave me a sense of purpose made the depression worse. There were so many days that I wouldn’t even leave the house or venture far from my bed. That was a new kind of low for me. Even though I had the support of my family, I had isolated myself from just about everything and everyone else. I felt like such a burden, as if I could disappear and hardly anyone would notice that I was gone. It’s a very hopeless and worthless feeling, one that’s hard to adequately describe to someone who has never experienced it. As much as I had tried to avoid meds, I went to the doctor to get a prescription. I finally admitted that I couldn’t fight this alone, and that was okay. What many don’t realize is that medications for depression/anxiety or any other kind of mental illness, while they may help, can also have serious side effects. I’m lucky to have only experienced fatigue, vivid dreams, and the occasional bout of insomnia with the meds I’m currently taking. I’ve read horror stories of people hallucinating or having suicidal thoughts, which is exactly what the meds should be working against instead of causing. It’s a physically and emotionally draining process to go through, experimenting with what helps depression/anxiety, what makes it worse, and having to adjust your lifestyle accordingly. Everyone is different, there’s not a “one size fits all” treatment plan. Nobody chooses to have a mental illness, but I believe it’s made me stronger and more self-aware. I wouldn’t trade the opportunity to help others for anything, and my story is what allows me to do that. Thank you, Sparkle, for giving me the platform to share what I’ve been through. I hope that some of you who are reading this can relate – if you do, always remember that it’s okay to ask for help or admit that something isn’t right. Seriously, even if you are too afraid to go see a counselor, tell someone that you trust. Don’t feel like you have to hold everything inside, because it will only make things worse. I’m also here for anyone who wants/needs to talk. Keep sparkling!"
"For me it all started around freshman year of high school. I am not very good at making friends and having been bullied a lot in middle school, trying to adjust to high school was a roller coaster. I started to eat lunch alone in the hallways, sit in the back of classrooms and didn't say much. I didn't have much interest in extra curricular activities so I spent most of my free time at home. My biggest enemy is the voice in my head. That voice kept me from living my life, it put me down and filled my head with lies that I truly believed. It wasn't until junior year when I discovered photography that I found a passion and I was the happiest id been in years. The voice in my head has followed me into adulthood, I have a hard time socializing in groups of more than 3 people and I basically live on my cell phone as a social escape. From the outside you cant tell I have this silent killer inside. Though I have never thought of or tried killing myself, its been in my darkest moments that ive come to understand why others do. Depression has dark roots that go deep into us and touch parts of us we don't realize. If we don't find something to lean on or something to give us strength then we are just fading into the abyss. The older I've gotten the more I've relied on my faith to get me through. I used to go sit in my church sanctuary on any given night and just talk to God or sit there in complete silence and cried.Jesus is my freedom and he's stronger than the lies. It's with that profound hope that makes me so excited to be joining the Sparkle Team! Every story is important and I want to help others out there who feel small and alone to realize they aren't. There are people who understand and it's okay to talk about it. It's time we stopped referring to mental illness as a silent killer. Lets talk about it and not let it be silent anymore, we need to help those suffering."
"Not everyone is able to see what each other go through daily and you can’t see what others are going through. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and bi-polar disorder. I used to think depression was just a feeling and everything I was feeling would one day just disappear and I would be “Normal” again. Unfortunately, mental health doesn’t work that way. What is even normal, anyway? My diagnosis is my new normal. There is no really easy way to explain how I feel to help others understand what I go through every day. I wish I could hand over my brain and let others understand and live in it for a while. My story isn’t as “bad” as others but it put me in a dark place that I hope I never have to experience again. Here is the best way to describe to others how I’m actually feeling: Anxiety – When my anxiety sets in, I freak. I feel as if I’m drowning on top of feeling nervous for absolutely no reason. I fear the worst will happen no matter how great the situation is; my mind will find a way to ruin it. Bi-Polar –When my bi-polar disorder sets in, it’s the worst. It’s mostly anger more than anything else. The smallest thing could set me off and it usually has something to do with my mother because we clash often due to how similar we are. At the same time, I know it’s not fair to her when I snap but it happens so quickly I normally don’t have time to think before I snap. It’s really only gotten worst as I have gotten older. As a kid I felt very alone in the world, like no one was listening when I would cry out for them, sort of like the outcast of the group. I had friends in school, but not so much outside of school. I do remember I had one birthday party and I ended up inviting everyone and was so very excited; only to have one person show up. By High School I started getting really good at hiding my feelings from anybody and everybody. As this time I was in a mentally and verbally abusive relationship, something that was very ongoing. I started blaming myself for everything. I tried changing who I was so he would choose me over his addiction. I pushed all of my friends away so I could spend all of my time with him. Later I had gotten into another relationship which I was happy in for a while, he motivated me to do great things. But when I wasn’t doing my best it tore me apart and he didn’t understand why. In his eyes, I was “lazy” , which if you don’t have depression or understand it you would see it as being lazy. I was tired all the time, 24/7, I just wanted to stay in bed and close my eyes and escape. I didn’t talk to anyone because I thought no one would understand and I didn’t want to feel like I was bothering them. When I went to get tested for ADD/ADHD, they make you take a questionnaire, I’ve done this twice now and this is how I was diagnosed with depression and bi-polar disorder. One of the questions was “Do you have suicidal thoughts?” and to be completely honest I didn’t know what the thoughts I was having were. I thought everyone was having the same thoughts I was having and thought it was okay. But it wasn’t okay, no one sits there and think about “what if I killed myself like this.. or did it like this”. Back then I didn’t think I would ever act upon my thoughts till I did. A year ago on January 15, 2016 I attempted suicide. I was over living, I was unhappy in my life. I hated the job I was in but loved the money I was making. I felt like no one was listening when I needed someone. I was so tired, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I didn’t care about anything anymore, I thought others wouldn’t of cared if I was breathing or if I was buried in the ground. I was completely miserable in my life and how everything was going in it. One night I was done mentally emotionally and all of the above. I had taken medically prescribed pills in hopes that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning, but I did. Later the next day I was admitted into an inpatient program at UBH in Denton, where I called home for a week. I had done what I thought was the unthinkable, I acted upon my thoughts. I’m not really one to talk about myself in this way or even tell someone about what I attempted to do. I’ve learned to cope with my choices, I know I cant change the past but I also know that the past doesn’t define me.I can’t escape these things, they have made me look at everything in a new way, with friends who have pushed me to make my life better. I do have my days where I just want to be alone, where I don’t want to leave my house, where I don’t want to talk to anyone and I just want it to be me. I am happy that my attempt didn’t work, it’s shed a new light on my life and I’m glad I’ve been given a second chance to live. A second chance I don’t plan on wasting. Many individuals have it much worst, but I know my story isn’t the only one like it out there and I hope I am able to help someone with my story.I am able to write this because of Sparkle. I watched the #FightingHelplessnessWithHonesty videos and I thought to myself if these people can tell their story then I can tell mine. I never really knew there were people out there who were like me; all my life I just thought it was a joke and it wasn’t something really went through. When I sat down with Ashley for our first Sparkle meeting it was such an amazing feeling to not have to struggle telling someone my story because she knew how everything already felt. Sparkle has given me my voice back."
"I don't want this to be an "it gets better" message. Though I was made fun of in school, it never did get the best of me. My Grandmother always said, "Let their words slide off of you like water." So they did, and all the words like "Faggot and Homo" soon became white noise of people who needed to hear themselves talk. I'm a Homosexual, and confident with myself in that aspect. While it's important to share that experience with people, this is bigger than that. I don't want this to be seen as the negative stereotypical "He's snapped and needs medication”. Because while some may suffer with depression and need that help, I do not. Besides, I am personally a "anti-chemical processed pill" type but, that's another rant… People have told me on separate occasions to tell my story, and to me a story has to have an ending, and personally I think this minor case of depression will always be there, so take this as I'm sharing what my boggart would turn into. For those not familiar with what a boggart is, it is the magical creature in the Harry Potter series that hides in wardrobes and they reflect your worst fears. You may remember from our Defense Against the Dark Arts class in our third year at Hogwarts, Professor Lupin taught us that these fears were weakened and defeated using humorous thoughts and the incantation of "Ridkulous". (Yes I'm a huge Potthead and I do believe we all went to Hogwarts as we all were intrigued by the books and films.) The concept of transformation for this creature is individually defined by whom is in front of it. Example, Remus Lupin feared the moon, Molly feared the death of her children, and Ron feared spiders. If I were to step in front of that creature, it would just be me. Alone.
I hate admitting it, perhaps because - for awhile I thought of it as showing weakness or being pathetic.... now I know it as the most powerful and negative thought my mind possesses but also, my most powerful way to connect with people. The thoughts of "What's wrong with you.” and that of the various ways one can phrase, "your always so alone.” and "why would anyone notice me" are the type of thoughts , that are commonly summarized as just me being over dramatic , however it's actually scientifically proven to be connected with one of the three fears everyone is afraid of. I learned this from a football coach who taught Spanish at my High School. That everyone is born with 3 natural fears. 1. Loud noises (the unexpected ones) 2. Falling down 3. Being alone
The fact that being alone is common among everyone, might make you think, why am I here? Thinking that this might makes me special. That it makes me some sort of spotlight for something like this. It doesn't. And that's the point. It shows that's I'm just like you, that I have the same feelings that many of you have or had, its what makes me and everyone connected with Sparkle important, our voice. 1 in 4 SILENTLY suffer with a mental illness. That's a lot of people. The fact that Mental Illnesses are connected to something major like suicide, is even worse. With that connection, it is also commonly expressed that people “never saw it coming” , why? I have a feeling it's because people don't feel safe, or fear expressing the feelings that end up bundling together to form the thought of "No one cares." And that last thought goes unnoticed, undeclared, and unexpressed until it's too late. I have known someone to take their own life, and it's sad to say that that I myself never saw it coming.
I have leaned that even the prettiest people have these thoughts. You never figured that they would, but they do.
It's more common than one would think among men, I'm a hairstylist and those who know anything about being a stylist, or in a stylist's chair, people will spill everything that a human can feel. It was surprising to me that many of my male clientele could feel the way I do, about multiple things, things including one’s social appearance, as well as their personal appearance. Even more shocking was that they were the guys that the girls in the salon would fan girl over, and the ones that projected confidence very well. This was what sparked the idea for me to give back to mental Illness Organizations through my own business ‘Shears Crossed’ , it was created when I myself was very depressed in my current salon setting and decided to create my own label, for a better environment that was more positive for everyone. Though it's not a official location yet, it will be. However, I have had great quantity of personal business coming to see me and I decided that I and others needed a way to give back to others. So I then created a movement known as ‘Backed Up by Beauty’ or as I like to call it B.U.B.B., the movement in which proceeds from Shears Crossed are donated to organizations that fight Cancer, HIV and Aids, and Mental Illnesses (combating Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, and Depression.) This is how I, who personally struggles with mild Depression, is able to give back to others and show support to those who are suffering with each of the causes that are personal to me. Cancer took my grandmother, HIV and AIDS is still very negatively stereotyped and even worse leaves one feeling alone and unloved. Finally, Mental Illnesses Specifically Eating Disorders and Self-Harm, as these are huge side effects of not having a voice, of not feeling beautiful, of not feeling loved. I think it is important to me to use my voice now, as a reminder that we all can suffer from Depression. Even J.K. Rowling suffered from Depression, she turned this into the creatures we know as Dementors, and while they maybe fictional creatures, Depression is similar to them. Leaving us with the feeling that all the Happiness is gone from the world. Thankfully we are able to produce our very own Patronus charms, in the form of happy memories or in the people that we call Friends and Family. You never know, for someone you barely know in one of your college classes just your presence can be the greatest thing they can imagine while they are sitting alone dwelling on the loneliness. I know that was the case for me and I'm so thankful for that person, that for in the moment of my greatest weakness, they reminded me of how strong I am.
*For more information regarding Backed Up By Beauty (B.U.B.B.) Please visit shearscrossed.net
** Due to the high request of shirts, Shipments of new shirts make take a while to get in. Email shearcrossed@yahoo.com for status and on how to get on board."
I hate admitting it, perhaps because - for awhile I thought of it as showing weakness or being pathetic.... now I know it as the most powerful and negative thought my mind possesses but also, my most powerful way to connect with people. The thoughts of "What's wrong with you.” and that of the various ways one can phrase, "your always so alone.” and "why would anyone notice me" are the type of thoughts , that are commonly summarized as just me being over dramatic , however it's actually scientifically proven to be connected with one of the three fears everyone is afraid of. I learned this from a football coach who taught Spanish at my High School. That everyone is born with 3 natural fears. 1. Loud noises (the unexpected ones) 2. Falling down 3. Being alone
The fact that being alone is common among everyone, might make you think, why am I here? Thinking that this might makes me special. That it makes me some sort of spotlight for something like this. It doesn't. And that's the point. It shows that's I'm just like you, that I have the same feelings that many of you have or had, its what makes me and everyone connected with Sparkle important, our voice. 1 in 4 SILENTLY suffer with a mental illness. That's a lot of people. The fact that Mental Illnesses are connected to something major like suicide, is even worse. With that connection, it is also commonly expressed that people “never saw it coming” , why? I have a feeling it's because people don't feel safe, or fear expressing the feelings that end up bundling together to form the thought of "No one cares." And that last thought goes unnoticed, undeclared, and unexpressed until it's too late. I have known someone to take their own life, and it's sad to say that that I myself never saw it coming.
I have leaned that even the prettiest people have these thoughts. You never figured that they would, but they do.
It's more common than one would think among men, I'm a hairstylist and those who know anything about being a stylist, or in a stylist's chair, people will spill everything that a human can feel. It was surprising to me that many of my male clientele could feel the way I do, about multiple things, things including one’s social appearance, as well as their personal appearance. Even more shocking was that they were the guys that the girls in the salon would fan girl over, and the ones that projected confidence very well. This was what sparked the idea for me to give back to mental Illness Organizations through my own business ‘Shears Crossed’ , it was created when I myself was very depressed in my current salon setting and decided to create my own label, for a better environment that was more positive for everyone. Though it's not a official location yet, it will be. However, I have had great quantity of personal business coming to see me and I decided that I and others needed a way to give back to others. So I then created a movement known as ‘Backed Up by Beauty’ or as I like to call it B.U.B.B., the movement in which proceeds from Shears Crossed are donated to organizations that fight Cancer, HIV and Aids, and Mental Illnesses (combating Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, and Depression.) This is how I, who personally struggles with mild Depression, is able to give back to others and show support to those who are suffering with each of the causes that are personal to me. Cancer took my grandmother, HIV and AIDS is still very negatively stereotyped and even worse leaves one feeling alone and unloved. Finally, Mental Illnesses Specifically Eating Disorders and Self-Harm, as these are huge side effects of not having a voice, of not feeling beautiful, of not feeling loved. I think it is important to me to use my voice now, as a reminder that we all can suffer from Depression. Even J.K. Rowling suffered from Depression, she turned this into the creatures we know as Dementors, and while they maybe fictional creatures, Depression is similar to them. Leaving us with the feeling that all the Happiness is gone from the world. Thankfully we are able to produce our very own Patronus charms, in the form of happy memories or in the people that we call Friends and Family. You never know, for someone you barely know in one of your college classes just your presence can be the greatest thing they can imagine while they are sitting alone dwelling on the loneliness. I know that was the case for me and I'm so thankful for that person, that for in the moment of my greatest weakness, they reminded me of how strong I am.
*For more information regarding Backed Up By Beauty (B.U.B.B.) Please visit shearscrossed.net
** Due to the high request of shirts, Shipments of new shirts make take a while to get in. Email shearcrossed@yahoo.com for status and on how to get on board."