Season 3 of the Sparkle Photo Series
**Kristina from I Won't Not(check her page out! It is so inspiring and motivating!)**
"I’m Kristina and I've been fighting social anxiety all of my life. Up until five years ago I viewed life as nothing more than a collection of decisions someone, somewhere, told us to make. I went to college because that’s what you did after high school; I studied finance because it was respectable - I joined the family firm because it was expected. I followed paths of least resistance. When life got hard, I ran for the exit door and always took the easy way out. I was withering my life away on autopilot mode. It was a pattern in my life stemming back from grade school where I discovered that I had a stutter and a paralyzing fear of public speaking. I let the butterflies in my stomach before speaking out loud build up and control me. When I tried to open my mouth, no words came out. Instead of facing this issue when I was younger and taking the necessary measures to get help then and there, I did the opposite. I avoided it. I ran. I would strategically take bathroom breaks before it came time for me to read aloud. When I was called on in class to answer a question, I would fake a bloody nose and bolt to the bathroom. I even switched grade schools to avoid oral presentations. I became a comfort zone ninja. It was a toxic pattern that didn't alleviate my anxiety, but increased it by enabling myself to avoid anything that brought discomfort. It was a pattern that I highly adapted to. As years passed by where I went along avoiding any challenge or any situation that was uncomfortable. By never raising my hand in class, by never fully participating or asking the questions I did have, I lost the ability to think on my own, to have my own thoughts, dreams, and desires.
After I spent several years in extremely unhappy, unfulfilled, and lost in a career that I specifically chose because I would not have to speak aloud, I realized living this type of life, deep rooted in social anxiety, was preventing me from truly living. I needed to make a change. I needed to get away from autopilot and stop running away from everything that seemed scary or uncomfortable. I had to start small. I challenged myself to attempt one new thing, every day. Each little victory brought satisfaction, accomplishment, and confidence into my life. I've continued to push my comfort zone boundaries and for the last three years I’ve been traveling the world and throwing myself into new experiences. These comfort zone challenges, taking action on my life, and changing my mindset on how I view fear has given me the confidence I needed to tackle the big fear: public speaking. In the past year, I've taken public speaking courses, volunteered as a speaker at local grades schools, and next month I will be the featured speaker, giving a 1 hour talk to an audience of over 100 people!
This past year, I even started a company called I Won't Not to help others learn self-worth, identify fear, and feel empowered to commit to change through taking action outside their comfort zone. Even though I've been dealing with social anxiety and working daily to manage it and help others tackle their own fears, my deep struggle with it was not a story I shared intimately with anyone until now. After talking to Ashley and hearing her own battle with mental health, she immediately made me feel more comfortable about sharing mine. She opened the door for me to feel stronger and empowered, not weakened and embarrassed by my own battle. By just talking about our challenges, raising awareness, and providing support to each other, the Sparkle community will leave an imprint in this world and I'm so happy to be a part of it!"
"I’m Kristina and I've been fighting social anxiety all of my life. Up until five years ago I viewed life as nothing more than a collection of decisions someone, somewhere, told us to make. I went to college because that’s what you did after high school; I studied finance because it was respectable - I joined the family firm because it was expected. I followed paths of least resistance. When life got hard, I ran for the exit door and always took the easy way out. I was withering my life away on autopilot mode. It was a pattern in my life stemming back from grade school where I discovered that I had a stutter and a paralyzing fear of public speaking. I let the butterflies in my stomach before speaking out loud build up and control me. When I tried to open my mouth, no words came out. Instead of facing this issue when I was younger and taking the necessary measures to get help then and there, I did the opposite. I avoided it. I ran. I would strategically take bathroom breaks before it came time for me to read aloud. When I was called on in class to answer a question, I would fake a bloody nose and bolt to the bathroom. I even switched grade schools to avoid oral presentations. I became a comfort zone ninja. It was a toxic pattern that didn't alleviate my anxiety, but increased it by enabling myself to avoid anything that brought discomfort. It was a pattern that I highly adapted to. As years passed by where I went along avoiding any challenge or any situation that was uncomfortable. By never raising my hand in class, by never fully participating or asking the questions I did have, I lost the ability to think on my own, to have my own thoughts, dreams, and desires.
After I spent several years in extremely unhappy, unfulfilled, and lost in a career that I specifically chose because I would not have to speak aloud, I realized living this type of life, deep rooted in social anxiety, was preventing me from truly living. I needed to make a change. I needed to get away from autopilot and stop running away from everything that seemed scary or uncomfortable. I had to start small. I challenged myself to attempt one new thing, every day. Each little victory brought satisfaction, accomplishment, and confidence into my life. I've continued to push my comfort zone boundaries and for the last three years I’ve been traveling the world and throwing myself into new experiences. These comfort zone challenges, taking action on my life, and changing my mindset on how I view fear has given me the confidence I needed to tackle the big fear: public speaking. In the past year, I've taken public speaking courses, volunteered as a speaker at local grades schools, and next month I will be the featured speaker, giving a 1 hour talk to an audience of over 100 people!
This past year, I even started a company called I Won't Not to help others learn self-worth, identify fear, and feel empowered to commit to change through taking action outside their comfort zone. Even though I've been dealing with social anxiety and working daily to manage it and help others tackle their own fears, my deep struggle with it was not a story I shared intimately with anyone until now. After talking to Ashley and hearing her own battle with mental health, she immediately made me feel more comfortable about sharing mine. She opened the door for me to feel stronger and empowered, not weakened and embarrassed by my own battle. By just talking about our challenges, raising awareness, and providing support to each other, the Sparkle community will leave an imprint in this world and I'm so happy to be a part of it!"
"Stress. Anxiety. Alcoholism that led to a broken family. Broken relationships. Depression. For as long as I could remember all of these things determined my self-worth or lack there of. You see, the problems started to pile up when I was in high school. One bad relationship with a boy somehow determined my self-worth. One bad choice with that boy caused all my guilt and shame. One bad break up led to a deep depression. From that point on it was one bad relationship after another. For some reason I based my whole self-worth on that one tiny mistake I had made. And because of that, I felt like I did not deserve a good man. I felt like I did not deserve the great vision God had once given me. I felt like I was not worthy of any sort of happiness. So I dwelled in the depression. I did not reach out to anyone. I kept to myself and decided that it would never pass because it was what I DESERVED. But then something finally clicked. I was listening to my favorite song, Walls by The Rocket Summer. The lyrics said, “bust you out, take you home, believe in Me you are not alone, I’ll help you break the walls down. And all the weight you carry, will disappear and I will willingly, embrace you so, you lay your head so come on home.”
I was reminded that there is a way out of it all. There is a God that loves and cherishes me. And that I was worthy of so much more, that through His son Jesus I am redeemed. My self-worth is not determined by my mistakes or anyone else’s offenses towards me for that matter. Those burdens are no longer mine to carry because Jesus died on the cross for them. All I had to do was allow Him to free me from it all. “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
Knowing truth didn’t necessarily make my depression easier. It did however provide a way out. Through time spent with the Lord, sessions with counselors, quality time with those who love me (lots of quality time), and even a season of anti-anxiety/depression medication I finally received the freedom I was promised, the freedom we all deserve. You see it all starts with seeking help. When you accept the help you need you are able to move forward towards freedom. But it doesn’t end there. SO many people are scared to share their story or even admit that they are struggling. But the freedom you receive from sharing does not just benefit you. It benefits others. Through Sparkle Mental Health Connection not only have I received support and love but I have also received freedom. I pray that through my story you are also able to take a step towards freedom as well."
I was reminded that there is a way out of it all. There is a God that loves and cherishes me. And that I was worthy of so much more, that through His son Jesus I am redeemed. My self-worth is not determined by my mistakes or anyone else’s offenses towards me for that matter. Those burdens are no longer mine to carry because Jesus died on the cross for them. All I had to do was allow Him to free me from it all. “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
Knowing truth didn’t necessarily make my depression easier. It did however provide a way out. Through time spent with the Lord, sessions with counselors, quality time with those who love me (lots of quality time), and even a season of anti-anxiety/depression medication I finally received the freedom I was promised, the freedom we all deserve. You see it all starts with seeking help. When you accept the help you need you are able to move forward towards freedom. But it doesn’t end there. SO many people are scared to share their story or even admit that they are struggling. But the freedom you receive from sharing does not just benefit you. It benefits others. Through Sparkle Mental Health Connection not only have I received support and love but I have also received freedom. I pray that through my story you are also able to take a step towards freedom as well."
"“After every storm there is always a rainbow.”
This single quote is what keeps me going every day, especially during difficult and dark times. Anyone who has ever met me would probably describe me as outgoing and personable. Little do they know I have been diagnosed with depression. I have struggled with depression for a little over 5 years now. Some days are easier than others, and then there are days when I do not even want to get out of bed. Every person who struggles with a mental illness has his or her story, and this is mine
My senior year of high school I was forced to stop playing soccer due to a back injury. Once I stopped playing and working out I started to drop weight like crazy. It wasn’t until the end of the year that I began obsessing over my weight and physical appearance. I remember slowly starting to count my calories, which then lead to obsessively running to burn as many calories as possible. Fast-forward a couple of months and I was restricting myself to only 500 calories per day, which I would proceeded to run off day and night. I would stare at my reflection in the mirror for what felt like hours criticizing my body from every angle. Telling myself “You’re not skinny enough. You are ugly” etc. There were times I would be in my closet getting ready, trying to find something to wear, and I would drop to the floor in tears. All because I was unhappy with the way I looked in my clothes. My mom found me a few times curled up in the corner of my closet sobbing. After finding me in this state on numerous occasions my parents made me seek out help. By this point there was no denying I had a problem. I had bags under my eyes, bones sticking out, my hair was falling out, and when I would stand up I would nearly pass out.
During treatment for my eating disorder is when I was diagnosed with depression. After a couple of months of therapy and being placed on medication I thought I was cured. I was oblivious to the fact that depression cannot simply be cured. It is a life long process that if not managed properly can take a hold of your entire life. Summer of 2012 I was taking classes at TCC. Which anyone who has ever taken a summer class knows is extremely stressful. In order to de-stress I was drinking a lot, which does not mix very well with antidepressant medications. I started to become rebellious and do things that I am not proud of. Due to my behavior I was fighting with my parents over every little thing. But after every little fight I would feel awful and tell myself “maybe my parents life would just be easier without me.” On July 25th 2012, I attempted to take my own life by an overdose. My parents and I had gotten into a huge fight, the biggest one to this day. I remember just sitting in my room after the argument thinking this is it… After cooling off my mom came upstairs to give me a hug goodnight. Before going back to her room she hugged me and said “Jess, after every storm there is always a rainbow”. I stood there with tears streaming down my face, because little did she know this would be the last time I would hug her. I had already made my decision to take my own life.
The next 24 hrs were all a blur. From waking up, my parents driving me to the emergency room, to being in the hospital; it was all just one giant blur. Through all of this though there is one thing that stood out. On my drive to school that morning I saw the most vibrant rainbow I have ever seen. I thought I was hallucinating. While I was laying in the ER later that day my mom asked me if I had seen the rainbow earlier that morning? In that very moment I realized that I had a guardian angel watching out for me! And there was a reason that I was still alive. That summer I hit rock bottom, but it was exactly what I needed in order to rebuild myself. Taking a single pill does not cure depression, or any form of mental illness; it is a day-by-day process. Sparkle has shown me that I am not alone in this fight. There are so many others struggling and battling mental illness. Together we can spark a conversation, bring awareness, and even help someone else who thinks they are alone."
This single quote is what keeps me going every day, especially during difficult and dark times. Anyone who has ever met me would probably describe me as outgoing and personable. Little do they know I have been diagnosed with depression. I have struggled with depression for a little over 5 years now. Some days are easier than others, and then there are days when I do not even want to get out of bed. Every person who struggles with a mental illness has his or her story, and this is mine
My senior year of high school I was forced to stop playing soccer due to a back injury. Once I stopped playing and working out I started to drop weight like crazy. It wasn’t until the end of the year that I began obsessing over my weight and physical appearance. I remember slowly starting to count my calories, which then lead to obsessively running to burn as many calories as possible. Fast-forward a couple of months and I was restricting myself to only 500 calories per day, which I would proceeded to run off day and night. I would stare at my reflection in the mirror for what felt like hours criticizing my body from every angle. Telling myself “You’re not skinny enough. You are ugly” etc. There were times I would be in my closet getting ready, trying to find something to wear, and I would drop to the floor in tears. All because I was unhappy with the way I looked in my clothes. My mom found me a few times curled up in the corner of my closet sobbing. After finding me in this state on numerous occasions my parents made me seek out help. By this point there was no denying I had a problem. I had bags under my eyes, bones sticking out, my hair was falling out, and when I would stand up I would nearly pass out.
During treatment for my eating disorder is when I was diagnosed with depression. After a couple of months of therapy and being placed on medication I thought I was cured. I was oblivious to the fact that depression cannot simply be cured. It is a life long process that if not managed properly can take a hold of your entire life. Summer of 2012 I was taking classes at TCC. Which anyone who has ever taken a summer class knows is extremely stressful. In order to de-stress I was drinking a lot, which does not mix very well with antidepressant medications. I started to become rebellious and do things that I am not proud of. Due to my behavior I was fighting with my parents over every little thing. But after every little fight I would feel awful and tell myself “maybe my parents life would just be easier without me.” On July 25th 2012, I attempted to take my own life by an overdose. My parents and I had gotten into a huge fight, the biggest one to this day. I remember just sitting in my room after the argument thinking this is it… After cooling off my mom came upstairs to give me a hug goodnight. Before going back to her room she hugged me and said “Jess, after every storm there is always a rainbow”. I stood there with tears streaming down my face, because little did she know this would be the last time I would hug her. I had already made my decision to take my own life.
The next 24 hrs were all a blur. From waking up, my parents driving me to the emergency room, to being in the hospital; it was all just one giant blur. Through all of this though there is one thing that stood out. On my drive to school that morning I saw the most vibrant rainbow I have ever seen. I thought I was hallucinating. While I was laying in the ER later that day my mom asked me if I had seen the rainbow earlier that morning? In that very moment I realized that I had a guardian angel watching out for me! And there was a reason that I was still alive. That summer I hit rock bottom, but it was exactly what I needed in order to rebuild myself. Taking a single pill does not cure depression, or any form of mental illness; it is a day-by-day process. Sparkle has shown me that I am not alone in this fight. There are so many others struggling and battling mental illness. Together we can spark a conversation, bring awareness, and even help someone else who thinks they are alone."
"When someone says the word depression many think someone who wears black all the time, cries often, and is a lonely person. This is not what depression looks like for many though. I was the happy peppy girl to my friends who always liked to have a good time.Many don’t know I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 6 years ago. Both depression and anxiety are things you deal with for life. But that is okay because I have conquered it and will continue to conquer it as I walk through this crazy life with God on my side, knowing no matter how low I go he is there to lift me up. I have the tools to continue to stay happy.
About 6 years ago, year 2011, is when I realized I was severely depressed and didn’t even know it. Or maybe I did know it but I just didn’t care, I was fine, but to the people that meant the most to me I was a monster. I was hateful and I wanted everyone that was close with me to feel the way I felt. I remember the exact day my mom told me it was time. It was time to take control back, it was time to start feeling “human” again.
At this point if you knew me you would have never known I was depressed but for me I was just going through the motions. Day in and day out it was the same thing over and over again. I would wake up head to school, head to work, go home and “eat”, and then go to bed. I was kind and overly happy to my friends, my co workers, and my classmates. But my family would beg to differ. I would snap if anyone tried to talk to me, I would yell, I would cry, I would do anything I could to make them feel the way I felt. I got into a physical altercation with my own sister because she put my laundry on the ground. I yelled at my aunt because I was dressed for the 4th of July and she hugged me when she was soaking wet out of the pool. My mom was always my largest target and I guess in my mind she was the one I was closest with so she was the one I wanted to hurt with me. This went on for about 2 years. I would have ups and down, highs and lows, but most of the time it was lows. I began to loose weight. Yes I was working out and “eating right” but there were days I wasn't eating at all because that wasn't on my mind. I needed to work out and go to sleep cause I was exhausted. I began to obsess about my body image and I would get on the scale every day to make sure I did not gain a pound and if I did that meant the next day I wouldn't eat. It was not eating on top of the monster I had become. This is was about 2 years into my depression and also the lowest I went. I was mean, I wasn't eating, I was obsessed about working out and not eating, I cried myself to sleep, and the list went on. This is also when my mom realized it was time to get help.
In the summer of 2013 or 2014 my mom, my dad, and myself packed up and headed to Oklahoma to see my sister, brother-in-law, and niece. I remember getting in the car and I cried all the way to Oklahoma for 3 straight hours I cried. I had a few points were I fell asleep and the second I woke up I started crying again. I did the same thing on the way home about half way through my drive home is when my mom said the words that changed my life. “Its time. Its time to take control back, its time for you to start feeling “human” again. Im not doing it anymore. IM tired of crying, IM tired Lanie. So I know you are tired.” She told me I was going to therapy, and I had no choices. At this moment I began to cry even harder. There was nothing wrong I didn't want help. I didn't need anyone to “fix” me. The following Wednesday I was in a therapy room with my therapist and myself half way through my mom walked in. This is how sessions continued weekly, then they turned into biweekly appoints, then monthly, then every few months, to eventually not having appointments at all.
After MANY therapy sessions. I started to see the light. I started to feel what my mom meant by “Being human again.” She wanted me to know how life felt when you were truly happy. It breaks my heart to think I put my family through what I put them through, my mom and dad the most. Knowing they went to bed crying and worried about what was going to happen with me next. Although it was slow and LONG recovery I can say today I am the happiest I have ever been. I can say I beat depression and so can you. You CAN be the person you want to be and you CAN be happy again. I am not going to say every day for me is perfect and sometimes it is a fight to be happy but I don't fight every day. I am truly happy, my heart is truly happy, my heart is full, and with God by my side I conquered.
I am here to say I conquered and will continue to conquer depression and so can YOU. Don’t be afraid to get help, find your happy!
About 6 years ago, year 2011, is when I realized I was severely depressed and didn’t even know it. Or maybe I did know it but I just didn’t care, I was fine, but to the people that meant the most to me I was a monster. I was hateful and I wanted everyone that was close with me to feel the way I felt. I remember the exact day my mom told me it was time. It was time to take control back, it was time to start feeling “human” again.
At this point if you knew me you would have never known I was depressed but for me I was just going through the motions. Day in and day out it was the same thing over and over again. I would wake up head to school, head to work, go home and “eat”, and then go to bed. I was kind and overly happy to my friends, my co workers, and my classmates. But my family would beg to differ. I would snap if anyone tried to talk to me, I would yell, I would cry, I would do anything I could to make them feel the way I felt. I got into a physical altercation with my own sister because she put my laundry on the ground. I yelled at my aunt because I was dressed for the 4th of July and she hugged me when she was soaking wet out of the pool. My mom was always my largest target and I guess in my mind she was the one I was closest with so she was the one I wanted to hurt with me. This went on for about 2 years. I would have ups and down, highs and lows, but most of the time it was lows. I began to loose weight. Yes I was working out and “eating right” but there were days I wasn't eating at all because that wasn't on my mind. I needed to work out and go to sleep cause I was exhausted. I began to obsess about my body image and I would get on the scale every day to make sure I did not gain a pound and if I did that meant the next day I wouldn't eat. It was not eating on top of the monster I had become. This is was about 2 years into my depression and also the lowest I went. I was mean, I wasn't eating, I was obsessed about working out and not eating, I cried myself to sleep, and the list went on. This is also when my mom realized it was time to get help.
In the summer of 2013 or 2014 my mom, my dad, and myself packed up and headed to Oklahoma to see my sister, brother-in-law, and niece. I remember getting in the car and I cried all the way to Oklahoma for 3 straight hours I cried. I had a few points were I fell asleep and the second I woke up I started crying again. I did the same thing on the way home about half way through my drive home is when my mom said the words that changed my life. “Its time. Its time to take control back, its time for you to start feeling “human” again. Im not doing it anymore. IM tired of crying, IM tired Lanie. So I know you are tired.” She told me I was going to therapy, and I had no choices. At this moment I began to cry even harder. There was nothing wrong I didn't want help. I didn't need anyone to “fix” me. The following Wednesday I was in a therapy room with my therapist and myself half way through my mom walked in. This is how sessions continued weekly, then they turned into biweekly appoints, then monthly, then every few months, to eventually not having appointments at all.
After MANY therapy sessions. I started to see the light. I started to feel what my mom meant by “Being human again.” She wanted me to know how life felt when you were truly happy. It breaks my heart to think I put my family through what I put them through, my mom and dad the most. Knowing they went to bed crying and worried about what was going to happen with me next. Although it was slow and LONG recovery I can say today I am the happiest I have ever been. I can say I beat depression and so can you. You CAN be the person you want to be and you CAN be happy again. I am not going to say every day for me is perfect and sometimes it is a fight to be happy but I don't fight every day. I am truly happy, my heart is truly happy, my heart is full, and with God by my side I conquered.
I am here to say I conquered and will continue to conquer depression and so can YOU. Don’t be afraid to get help, find your happy!